


There's no stopping now, this weight on my chest

by Kipachie



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, First Kiss, M/M, Other Mighty Nein Members, POV Caleb Widogast, Requited Love, Romance, SPOILERS ABOUND, Spoilers right up to the last seconds of 122, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:14:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29054205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kipachie/pseuds/Kipachie
Summary: Two boys get some things off their chest when they start to realize a lot more is at risk than they previously thought.The title is from Glitter & Crimson - All Time Low
Relationships: Fjord/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	There's no stopping now, this weight on my chest

**Author's Note:**

> Panic wrote this in an hour because episode #123 starts in 45min and I am not okay 🙃 
> 
> I did not proofread I just vomited up Widofjord and then screamed. Send help.

It’ll be okay. It’ll work out. He’s been the victim of strange magic time and time again and he’s pulled through. Caleb trailed his fingers up his scarred arms to remember the proof of that statement. He survived that and he did it alone. He could survive this.

Right?

He knew everyone was talking, their voices stage whispers surrounding him. They melded into his mind and the memory of the whispers he’d heard in his dreams. Nothing lingered besides them. The harder he grasped feebly at any tangible memories of what he had just woken from the quicker they scattered to dust. His fingers would brush a faint recollection and before making full contact it was gone. The whispers stayed. The eye stayed. Any reasoning or clues were gone. It was just whispers. All whispers. A thousand distant screams. They mixed with his fire, like his mother crying out tenfold and begging for mercy. He couldn’t help but feel somehow all these lives were blood on his hands now too. The screams of the city amplified the screams lf his family he hadn’t been haunted by in weeks. He couldn’t pick them from the chorus. He couldn’t isolate them. The Nein chattered around him and added to the droning volume.

“Cay!”

A single blink and he was back in his tower, with his family. Fjord was kneeling in front of where Caleb sat on the bed holding his wrists tight. Immediate need to run leapt to his throat but almost like Fjord could feel it his hold grew gentle, his fingers rubbing the insides of his wrists gently. Caleb was suddenly too aware of the blanket of silence surrounding them. The screams were gone. All of them.

“I’m okay.” He muttered.

“You really are stubborn, think you can lie like that even now. You aren’t okay and I wouldn’t want you to be. If you were okay with... this? I’d be far more terrified than I am right now.” Fjord’s gentle voice was grounding, the pressure on his wrists less restricting and instead it was warmth.

He looked down and noticed blood on his arms. Ah. He must have been scratching at the scars. He hadn’t even noticed. Another thing he hadn’t done in weeks. Last time had been just before dinner with Trent when he caught himself picking at them absent mindedly.

“Caleb what are we going to do?”

Hearing genuine fear in Beau’s voice made his head snap up finally breaking his gaze at Fjords hands on his. She covered her hand with her sash now, not wanting to look at it. A quick glance around the room at the worried faces of his family, his beloved family in this home he built for them, and all eyes were on him. Was he truly who they all wanted to turn to right now? Blazing red eye on his freckled skin like a brand, marking him the stupid wizard he was. What guidance could he offer them all?

“We... we wait. We wait and see if Lucien intended this or if he doesn’t know. I don’t wish for him to find out if that is agreeable. I fear if he didn’t intend for this to be the result of our foolish curiosity he’ll finally break his guise and attack. We still don’t know what they are capable of.” He said slowly and deliberately as he picked his words carefully.

“Can he see us with these? Like he can with his roadies?” Beau whispered.

“I was under the impression that was hemocraft related and not related to these.” He pulled a hand free of Fjords gentle grasp now to gesture to his shoulder with a hopeless laugh, “What do I know though. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you-“

“Hey, none of that.” Beau snapped. “I wanted to read that fucking thing just as much as you. You got enough on your plate so don’t steal off mine. WE did this Caleb. You couldn’t have stopped me even if you had known.”

“Maybe we can remove them? Like with Fjord’s balls” Jester piped in.

“Okay come on.” Fjord groaned. “It was just A ball. One.”

“Fjord’s lopsided.” Veth chuckled.

A smile quirked up the corner of Caleb’s mouth. Nothing shook this group's resolve. Nothing shook them, and nothing would shake him. He took a deep shaky breath, followed by heavily clearing his throat. “I, um... I will be back I just need to walk a bit. I’ll go to my room like I am fetching something as to not raise any alarms with Lucien.” As he got up from the bed Fjord stood quickly to follow.

Quirking an eyebrow Fjord just shook his head. “Like hell anyone is walking around this tower alone. I’ll join you. If you need some space I’ll stay in the sitting room but I can’t let you go alone Cay.”

“Ja. Ja okay too vulnerable on my own you are right Fjord.”

“I’ll make everyone a little tea to calm the nerves and help us get our wits back about us. We’ll talk when you return but please take your time Mr. Caleb.” Cad said with his typical calming voice.

Wordlessly and focused far too heavily on walking at a normal pace the two rose up the center of the tower towards Caleb’s room. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so far and there was no sight of Lucien in any of the halls. Caleb wasn’t sure if this brought him relief or just drove his anxiety higher. Not knowing where the enemy was, in his own home no less, certainly didn’t help calm him. Once in his room he sped towards the bedroom finally feeling some semblance of privacy, leaving Fjord in the sitting room.

“Hey, you need me or... uh you want me to just wait?”

Caleb stopped abruptly, standing alone in the middle of his room suddenly aware he was still bleeding, the red starting to show where it stained his tunic. Right, Fjord came with him. Protective, loyal Fjord. “I would very much like you to join me?” his voice rose at the end, clearly a statement served as a question.

“Yeah sure. Okay.”

He didn’t turn. He stood facing his bed and arms wrapped around himself as Fjord approached slowly. He felt a heavy hand on his shoulder, thumb rubbing into his neck. That was it. That was all it took for the first sob to break the silence. Without hesitation Fjords arms wrapped around him and pulled him to his chest. Caleb gripped the half-orcs forearms that supported him and kept him from crumpling under the weight of it all. Gods what had he DONE. What had he gotten himself, gods and Beau, what had he gotten THEM into? He just cried. The dinner with Trent, the failure to learn anything from Vess, the constant failure of his spells and the way this land was made to thwart him all burst the dam he’d so thoroughly built up. He hadn’t been this frustrated since the Happy Fun Ball and that damned Golem. The thought made him laugh among the finally fading sobs. He was so weak.

“Cay it’s going to be okay. I won’t let anything take you.” Fjord mumbled into his ear, nose pressed into the crown of his head.

“You can’t promise that.”

“I can, and I do. I won’t ever LET anything take you. If they do, it will because I’m dead. While I breathe not a damn thing will take you from me.” Fjord shifted, letting him go with one arm. He held his palm open in front of them, scar shining in the firelight. “Always, remember?”

Always.

At that fight in Darktow it was Fjord who had gone after him to get a potion into him, despite guards threatening to shoot him with every step. It had been Fjord who stuck to him like glue in the Happy Fun Ball trying to get that collar off him, pulling him out of the way of the golem. Fjord was the one he saw first when the succubus’s charm wore off finally and he hadn’t been mad he had been scared. Scared for Caleb. Scared he had been too late. It had been Fjord keeping him company their first night in Roshana, apologizing profusely for the whole stupid harness plan. It had been Fjord going shopping with him, keeping a vigilant eye on those eyeing Caleb as the lone human in a drow filled the street. Fjord protecting him even without any powers. Fjord telling him he was a good man. Fjord willing to throw it all in the ring against Trent without hesitation and without the blessing of the Nein. Fjord buying him that Ioun stone he almost didn’t want to use because it was a gift. A gift from Fjord. It had ALWAYS been Fjord.

“We’ll make it work, ja?” He finally returned, placing his own scarred palm into Fjords.

He felt Fjord finally relax slightly and a deep sigh ruffle his hair. Caleb pulled away and Fjord of course let him go though there was a reluctance in the speed he did it. Caleb didn’t go far though, just turned around to face him. Those golden eyes, slit pupils like a cat in the sun, filled with concern. Something surged in Caleb’s chest and he stepped as close to Fjord as he could, watching him straighten slightly and hold his breath.

“Fjord... I’m not sure I have ever thanked you.”

The orc huffed, “What for? This? Cay anyone would do this.”

The tears had dried on his reddened cheeks a smile finally broke through the fear on Caleb’s face. The wizard could tell even without a mirror his smile must be truly genuine as at the sight of it Fjord’s face immediately showed relief.

“Would you mind if I, uh... got a little stupid?” Caleb finally whispered, bringing a shaking hand to Fjord’s cheek.

Fjord immediately leaned into it with closed eyes, bringing his hand up to hold it in place. “I’ve seen your brand of stupid and I am a little concerned. Care to show me what you had in mind?”

The purr in his voice was all Caleb needed to scrounge up the courage. Hand sliding to caress Fjord’s neck he leaned in with an urgency he’d have been embarrassed about in any other situation. It took some exploratory kisses and a few chuckles to find the right angle around his tusks but it was arguably the best first kiss Caleb had ever experienced. Arms now tossed desperately over Fjord’s broad shoulders as rough green hands clung to his waist they kissed themselves breathless. It wasn’t until Fjord’s hands trailed under his shirt to trail up his spine that he broke away with a gasp.

The orc froze and his eyes shot open with concern, “Cay I’m sorry I’ll slow down. This is your speed I’d never push... I’m sorry.”

“Nein... No, your hands are just freezing. Do you need better gloves?” Caleb laughed, pressing their foreheads together.

“Not all of us can summon fire alright?” he shot back with equal teasing. “Besides I won’t be needing anything to keep me warm but you. My own personal furnace.”

“Yours,” Caleb whispered.

They stood like this for some time. Caleb counted the seconds of course and cherished every single one of them. Kisses turned gentle and precious, Caleb’s thumb grazing Fjord’s tusks with reverence. They laughed into each other's lips like young lovers stealing a moment without a soul to witness them. A rough nuzzle into his neck from the orc and a firm grab of his ass brought out an explicit moan that seemed to startle them both back into the moment. Eyes meeting like they both had something heavy on their minds Caleb was the first to break.

“I love you. Not just because shit has hit the fan. Not just because I’m scared. I’m a damned idiot who should have said I love you months ago. When we had more time.”

“Shhh, hey don’t talk like that. We got time. We got a fuck ton of it.” Fjord comforted, pulling Caleb to his chest with an almost crushing hug. “I love you too Cay. So much. Lucien will have to pry you away from me. Mollymauk or not I will tear him apart if this starts to hurt you.”

As he spoke his hand trailed up to cover the eye. For a second Caleb couldn’t feel its tingling anymore. For a second, just a small moment, Caleb was certain for the first time in his life everything was going to be okay.

“We should get back. You know Jester is already describing to the group in vivid detail what we’re up to all on our own.” Caleb mumbled into the strong chest of the man who held him so firmly yet so lovingly.

“Oh gods...” Fjord groaned into the crook of Caleb’s neck.

“Hey.” He whispered and placed his hands on either side of Fjord’s head and placing a gentle kiss to his lips. “Thank you.”

“For?” Fjord chuckled and pulled away slightly to start walking back to the door.

Caleb noticed their hands were still clasped desperately together and brought Fjord’s knuckles to his mouth to kiss them with a feather-light press of his lips. “For being my always even when I was too stuck in my past to see it.”

“Don’t need to thank me for that. Not with words. You’ve had my back as long as I’ve had yours. I think we’re even.”

They got to the door leaving the bedroom and stopped in unison. Like if they stayed here somehow everything would wait for them. Caleb reluctantly let their hands part and fall back to their sides. A look shared between them said it all. Keep it quiet, don’t give Lucien anything else to exploit.

Fjord bent down quickly to capture his mouth in another feverish kiss. “I’d chase you into the Nine Hells to bring you home. I hope you know that.” He muttered with a weak smile and a fire in his eyes Caleb hadn’t seen in a very long time.

“I’d never let anyone take me that far away from you.”

“Stay near me out there? If just to put my nerves at ease?” he pleaded.

Caleb smiled and nodded. “I can do that. Gotta keep an eye on Beau too.”

Fjord laughed, a real laugh this time, “Yasha’s got that covered. You two are a handful we gotta designate each of you a babysitter apparently.”

“Says the man who tried to intimidate a forest and then got eaten by a plant.” Caleb teased.

“One time.”

They talked low as they floated back down to Yasha’s room. Outside the door, they stopped again and faced each other slightly. Fjord took a quick glance around and reached out to brush something off his cheek. He opened his mouth slightly before closing it with a sad smile. He found it in him to speak finally before Caleb could open the door. “Don’t let this take you from me. Not now.” His voice was so low. Like he spoke a thousand miles away.

“I... won’t. This isn’t what I want the most. Maybe once upon a time when my mind was more focused on Trent. Not anymore. He’s not worth it. Nothing is. Not like you.”

It almost scared him that none of what he just said was a lie.

Fjord seemed at ease with that answer and nodded slightly, opening the door to let Caleb in first. Caleb risked a gentle touch of his forearm before brushing past. The voices of the Nein floated towards him as he saw Yasha’s head poke around the corner. Her expression softened immediately and she showed him a gentle smile before disappearing again to reassure the group it was just them returning. The eye started to pulse again, or at least he imagined it was. With Fjord’s hand firm on the small of his back, he stood a little straighter.

They’d make this work.


End file.
